Troubling thoughts

Have you ever had that feeling: where you are not good enough?  Where you can never do anything right?  Where you seem to hurt everyone, you love all at once?  That thought where you think you are a horrible person?  Well I have had these thoughts off and on throughout my life.

If you know me, you would not really quite understand why I could think that I am a horrible person.  I volunteer about once a month, have amazing friends, work my dream job, have a roof over my head, and am one of the sweetest people you’ve ever met (or at least I’m told).  From the outside, I live a happy life and am a happy person.

My job consists of delegating jobs to other people, or at least finding people to help get tasks done.  My boyfriend was helping me out, by helping clean a building.  Instead of asking him to sweep the floors, I told him to go find a broom and sweep.  In all reality that is not necessarily a bad thing, but I more or less did it as a command and it came out as if he did not have an option.  He got upset, rightfully so, because I was giving orders instead of asking nicely.  After he told me I upset him, which is expected in our relationship, both ways, I could not stop apologizing.  I said I was sorry at least 10 times even after he said it was fine.  It really got me thinking about how, horrible I can be.

That once was easy to stop thinking I am horrible because he helped me to see that I wasn’t.  However, not every time is as easy, sometimes it does not stop and the one thing I have done wrong turns into all of these other thoughts. I think about how I am over weight.  I think that I can’t be a good person, especially if I hurt my friends.  I think that no one will ever want to stay with me because I am too emotional. The list goes on and on and sometimes it is different. Previously when I know that I have truly hurt someone, especially someone I care about, I want them to hurt me and will beg them to hit me, kick me, anything thing so that they can take the pain that I caused them out on me.  I know that it is not healthy to want people to cause you pain. But I did not think that there was any other way to make their pain go away.

Since late 2015 I discovered that I had depression.  This caused me to think about all of the negative thoughts, but did not explain the wanting to be in pain for causing pain.  It took several months of therapy to overcome wanting to be hurt.  One of the most important things from it that I took was, no one is perfect, so no matter how long you live you are going to make mistakes and cause people pain.  That was a hard truth for me to let sink in because I wanted to create joy and sunshine and have a 100% happy world.  Eventually, I grew my self-esteem and found that people that truly care for me will forgive me for whatever I did and love me just the same.

The same is true for you in your life.  There are people out there that surround you that will love you no matter what.  It does not matter who they are but they are there for you.  Even if you think no one is there for you God always is.  God is with you every step of the way.  God’s love is unconditional and never falters no matter what you do.  God will be there for you even if you think no one is.  God is right there caring for you, and trying to help you understand that you are loved for who you are. Next time when you get down on yourself, remember you have someone who loves you and God loves you for you, not what you’ve done or who you’ve become but for the you that you are.


Jeremiah 31:3 “JJ Heller Love Me”


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